The Dark Ages

The Dark Days hit like a sledge hammer.  After an initial diagnosis, and a rude introduction to claustrophobia, which became my Achilles heel.  The seizure opened my/our eyes to a whole new world.  During the seizure, the fall was "just right."  There was a posterior dislocation, which destroyed all of the ligaments, as well as fractured the head of the humorous.  During the CT scan at the hospital a mass was identified.
I soon learned that "mass," is the friendly, less terrifying and threatening way of saying tumor, which in turn is also the easier way of saying the dreaded "C" word, CANCER.  The sledge hammer effect was becoming a reality.  I would need to have shoulder surgery and have everything repaired prior to dealing with the tumor.
I was transferred to Utah Valley Hospital for further observation and testing.  This became MRI part 1 of this nightmare.
 "This is the biggest tube in the state!"  They bragged.  After ten seconds inside, good feeling gone.  This is really tight.  I was reliving the first MRI experience I endured five years prior, where I literally got stuck in the tube.
"You are stuck, we need you to wiggle yourself further inside."  They said over the speaker.
You want me to WHAT?!?!  It was all I could do to stay perfectly still.
The MRI confirmed the bad news.  The shoulder was destroyed, and the mass was really there and larger than the CT identified.

The shoulder surgery was scheduled for May 28th;   The day before shoulder surgery my neurologist's office called to schedule an initial visit.  They were willing and able to fit us in at noon on the 28th, and since the shoulder wasn't scheduled until 5pm, we took it.  So Happy Wedding Anniversary 15 years to my wife!  Instead of a candle lit dinner she got to drink a hospital Dr. Pepper while my shoulder was being screwed and stitched back together, and digest the news that I would be having brain surgery in less than a month.


Hind sight is 20/20, so the miracle that was witnessed, came from the "Just right."  Had I fallen in any other direction, i would have landed on a piece of heave equipment, a tool box, or whatever other piece of machinery that would have pulverized me.  I know that I "fell," rather I was pushed in the direction to prevent something much worse.  Everyday I have to find tender mercies and find gratitude.  The only way I endured and continue to face demons is finding something good in each situation.  Many times it feels like i'm lying to myself.  In the Army we lived by,"fake it till you make it." I recently came across a quote that is way more accurate:
"Don't fake it till you make it.  That's garbage advice.  Face it till you make it.  Get up.  work hard.  Fail.  Stand back up.  Face it again.  Do a little better.  Fail again."

-Nate Taylor