The Measure of a Man

So to start, I have successfully deleted this post by accident twice now, and an starting a third attempt.  Instead of so much back story I will get to my point this time around.  There are so many, choices and situations throughout my life that a person would call coincidence, but I have no doubt our loving Father in Heaven has been laid out these opportunities to prepare me for each adventure along the way. One such blessed adventure is the Military.  From the time I was young I always knew I wanted to serve our country.  I cherish my time served in the Army.  It blessed and prepared me for many of the roads I now face each day.  From a determination to face each day, gained from the Soldier's Creed: To the gift of a Battle Buddy.  He has been a brother and friend from Iraq to now.  One of the greatest unseen blessings of my military service, is the medical benefits I have received from the VA.  100% of all my medical expenses have ...

Not a day goes by that I don't experience an intense amount of pain and frustration.  Usually starts as I lay down to bed, and my leg starts to play it's obnoxious games.  The tone that I posted about sets in as it begins to relax, and immediately curls, my ankle creeps backward toward my butt, and forget straightening it.  The more I fight the tighter it locks and the deeper the knife stabs into the back of my knee.  It becomes necessary to use my left foot to push  my right leg straight and just grit my teeth until it relaxes, and the race begins.  Fall asleep before it starts again.  Don't even ask about trying to roll over.  Most people can roll over and not even wake up.  I wish!  I am fully awake, play the game to re-straighten my leg, use my left arm to pull my right arm up across my chest, roll and grab my bed cane (A handle attached to my bed), pull and flip to the other side, all while praying, "Don't go too far." Finally mor...

It is time to back track to when things seemed to spiral out of control.  It was October 2017, and our lives as we knew them were changing instantly and dramatically.  We lived in Eagle Mountain on our own little piece of heaven.  It wasn't the house, but the street.  We had some incredible neighbors, and this is an understatement; they had become family.  I had started to gain momentum with an apprenticeship/mentorship that was beginning to turn profitable, in many ways more than just financially.  This had become an education, that I really enjoyed, and started to find my rhythm.  We were required to pack up our entire house and relocate to an unknown location in less than 48 hours.  Needless to say, I was as low as a person could get.  Confused, angry, terrified, just to start; I sat back as an entire neighborhood showed up and packed my house.  More than a few tears were shed in a very short amount of time.  That night my dea...

I wanted to post about another person that has had a tremendous impact on me while I have been traversing this adventure.  He was introduced into my life almost three years ago.  We ended up becoming good friends and even served in the Young Men's organization together. I knew I was in trouble, when he showed up at the hospital with his family to visit, and the last words as he left; "Most likely insurance will only cover home health two to three days a week for physical therapy, then we will transition to outpatient and I can continue to abuse you there.  But don't worry, I will show up the other two or three days.  I am calling it ministering, so you can't say no!" At the time I was still in major shock, and had absolutely zero idea what that would mean.  I continued to receive almost daily text messages or phone calls from my friend and future task master.  He always asked how things were progressing and how I was coping. The day I finally escaped...

Time seemed to slow to a crawl, even more than already crept past, the closer to my "graduation," date the calendar showed.  The to do list, seemed to grow longer and longer.  The calendar show four days remaining.  I  quickly overcome with anxiety. 1-  I had yet to hear from the Infectious Disease (ID) team, to learn my fate, in regards to what antibiotic would accompany me home.  The argument was whether I would be switched to an oral antibiotic, because I had completed the required fourteen days of IV medication; or if I would be required to undergo another quick procedure and have a PICC line placed. 2-  I also waited for the Thrombosis team, to let me know my blood thinner levels were stable enough, so that I could have the femoral filter removed.  This created extra anxiety, it would be necessary to undergo another procedure, in which they would go in exactly the same way, as when it was placed, to remove the filter. 3-  The VA (Vet...

When I got back down to the rehab floor after the washout surgery, I had a new leash in tow.  I still was sporting my IV, for all the different antibiotics and blood thinners until my levels balanced, and since I am determined to do things the most difficult way possible; it was taking forever. This leash was or had become a huge, we will just say obstacle, very fast.  Since the blood thinner was a constant drip, the pole went everywhere with me. This created quite an obstacle during therapy, without needing to increase the difficulty, it automatically happened.  Going for a walk, what I now call a walk, would require an extra person; one to continue spotting me, and one to drag my pal, while simultaneously ensuring I didn't get tied up.  After the walk, trying to get back to my wheelchair was always a game of Tetris. One particular eventful walk, the same shenanigans escalated to a new level.  It was a Saturday so a different therapy crew than my day to d...

Every week the medical staff would meet and evaluate each and every patient.  I knew that a portion of the conversation was to determine discharge dates.  Generally the goal was to get patients moving on within two weeks.  I knew deep down my time was to be extended, as much as I was dreading staying, I knew I was staying. I had just returned from Physical Therapy, my nurse rushed in to give me my next dose of antibiotics.  In the middle of the administration, my social worker came in to update my board.  She smiled at me and said, "We have a new discharge date for you.  It isn't the 24th of July anymore, but the 7th of August." My nurse snickered under her breath, as the nurse ran out of the room.   "Why keep you longer?"  I was constantly asking the same thing to myself, even though I knew I needed more time, and alot more strength was necessary to survive the real world.  My therapists all were constantly saying how well I wa...

Today I want to recognize and share the experiences of someone who became a good friend, actually an adopted part of the family.  I had been on the physical therapy floor for only a day, and I noticed a man cruising around in an electric wheelchair, with a huge, larger than life smile. The morning of the Fourth of July, my Mom has spending the day with me, she came into my room; "I just made YOU a new friend."  I had the horrified that I was just set up on a blind date, and had nowhere to run.  But never question a mother's intuition.  She of course was right. She told me she invited this mystery new friend to watch fireworks with us, upstairs on the patio.  Ben Jacobs, an Idaho construction worker, that may not be building with wood or sheetrock anymore, instead is building human beings, and traded his hammer and tool belt, for a compass and bullwhip. First of March 2019 Ben was at work and began to experience severe stomach pains.  He went to the ...

This post will jump around a little as far as the timeline of the story, but it ties together, and I hope it portrays what is in my heart.  We truly don't go through any fight or hardship alone.  I was blessed with support and friendships in many unique places.  I had completed my first full week in rehab, and was looking forward to starting my second.  All of the sudden I began to have debilitating spasms in my back.  All night Saturday they would hit and I would have to call the nurse to help me sit up, just to be able to get a breath. All day Sunday I was laid up and couldn't hardly get out of bed. The next thing I knew, I was laying over my bed table sweating profusely, doing everything I could to get a breath.  It felt like I had a knife being slammed and twisted into my right side.  The spasm continued for over six hours straight without relaxing at all.  Until that point a spasm would last a minute or two and I would be fine. ...

Once I finally was alive enough to be returned to my room in the acute care unit, the only thing on my mind was, When can I get back down to the Rehabilitation floor.  I expected a two day delay, for post surgical observation, but that wasn't in the cards for me.  Others had different plans.  This in hindsight was several of the tender mercies of being watched out for and not understanding reasons, until things played out. I was attacked all week by doctors from the neurology team, and added to that because of the infection, I was now to be bombarded by the Infectious Disease Team.  So let me introduce, not only my ponytail but my leash (IV Pole).  I can't even tell you what was being pumped into my arm, all I know, I would get about a twenty minute break every six hours before starting the next round of we are going to kill whatever and anything inside your system.  I can tell you that three days of Vancomycin pushed through the same IV port, which mirac...

After the numbing walk back to the hospital, we (Mom and I) were headed to dinner, I wanted  to take advantage of something other than the normal...  I showered and cleaned up,and got ready as fast as I could.  A shower that I regretted taking for a long time.  After I got cleaned up and was ready and excited for some real food, my Mom looked at my incision site and found puss.  A nurse had walked past and we showed her.  Immediately plans changed.  I was no longer, free to come and go, I was on lock down.  The charge nurse was notified, and immediately the neurological team was called, and I was placed on standby until the neuro team could examine the incision. My hopes at a good dinner were smashed.  The neuro team came and not only examined the incision site, but discharged me from the rehabilitation unit, had me re admitted to acute care, and scheduled for an infection wash out the following morning.  As explained to me, a washou...

July 16, 2019, I had made it my full two weeks in rehabilitation and was looking forward to getting my discharge date.  Or so I thought.  My day was different, I was scheduled to meet with my neurologist and to meet my oncologist for the first time, and get the actual information about what the dreaded C word really meant.  The appointment was on a Monday so my mom rushed up to help get me to the appointment because my needed be be at home to play taxi and get the kids to their ten million activities.  This is  rough post to write, especially trying to keep in the mindset of the day.  There wasn't much good that could be found.  We first had to run the gauntlet just to find the right place, so frustration and anxiety were already setting hold.  Once in the office we sat, and sat, and sat, anxiety continues to build.  In walks the doctor followed by two others, one physicians assistant, and one student.  The doctor introduced himself, ...

I never had a problem being alone.  I often looked forward to some me time, and to be able to get lost in my own thoughts.  That novelty is very short lived and transforms into a burden.  Once I started rehabilitation, there was no longer need for constant care on the part of the nurses and doctors, or my wife or mom.  So the daily routine was what I had to keep me occupied.  Awake at 4:00am take pills, lay around until 6:00 am for shift change, and ask for help gathering my clothes.  Spend the remainder of the morning nibbling on a sub-par breakfast and exhausting myself until either my therapist arrived, or a nurse came to check on me, so I could move to my wheelchair.  Then it was a full work day of different therapies; Occupational, Physical, Speech, and my visits with the hospital shrink.  This would occupy me until the middle of the afternoon, when I would get wheeled back to my little corner, and there I would sit.  I tried exploring ...

One of the most bitter things i've had to face and swallow, (crow tastes terrible), is not being able to just get up and get moving.  I have never been more frustrated, than having to "re-learn," basic, simple, even easy tasks.  The first two weeks of appointments with my occupational therapist were spent trying to learn to get dressed, brush my teeth and perform daily tasks, including much to my embarrassment and at this point absolutely zero pride, shower and use the bathroom.  The first two weeks it would take over two hours, and that was just to get dressed.  My therapist was always "excited," how well I was doing.  But inside it was killing me.  I shouldn't be completely exhausted, and struggling so much just to get my pants on, or completely tie myself into a knot putting a shirt on.   This was extra frustrating, because my OT was also responsible for my shoulder rehabilitation, and wasting one full session and apart of the second each ...

Everyday in the hospital is the same, wake up to being poked and prodded; "Take your meds." Make sure you eat everything and drink all you can.  "When did you last use the bathroom?" Get poked and prodded; Make sure you rest... take your meds... bathroom... eat and drink... rest... The real problem this created was... I can't... without assistance... I had to depend on others for everything. The feeling of being constantly stuck not able to move or take a full breath became terrifying, the anxiety of zero independance and zero feeling pushed me straight to a dark, dark place.  I asked to have the missionaries at the hospital to give me a blessing, when they next made their rounds.  The next evening, as the couple missionaries made their rounds they stopped in my room.  I had never met or spoken with this couple prior to this interaction.  Prior to beginning he explained how he was given special permission to both anoint and seal the blessing.  I'...

I don't remember much over the next few days other than one unique situation, where anything that could possibly go wrong did...  I was scheduled to have an introductory appointment with the physical therapist, then the Occupational Therapist, and since I was completely paralyzed and numb on the right side of my body, the only way to transfer me anywhere, was to use a Hoyer Lift.  I was lucky enough that my room had a Hoyer and track system in the room.  I was strapped into the sling and moved to a wheelchair.  Upon returning The Nurse, CNA, and Occupational therapist hooked my harness back to the Hoyer to move me back to my bed.  Then things quickly spiralled down the drain... As they attempted to lift me back to bed, each time they would lift me, the chair would come along.  Somehow, the harness/sling got stuck on the wheel chair, so every time I was lifted. my chair was sure to go.  After a few minutes of frustration and panic beginning to set in...

Claustrophobia is a killer!  Prior to having the tumor removed.  My neurologist scheduled me for a functional MRI, which means over 90 long minutes in an extra SMALL magnet tube to ensure better imagery.  The image is not me, but the same set up.  The fMRI is used to map activity regions of the brain.  While in the magnet I was asked to perform specific menial tasks, which show in different regions of the brain, to ensure active regions are not touched during surgery. Well, I went into magnet, but I was so nervous; scared and extremely uptight, I made it an astounding 24 minutes, before I was tapping out.  They were determined to finish so they removed the cage from my face and told my to continue to lay still until I was ready to proceed.  I laid as long as I could, but the longer I stayed frozen, the more the anxiety built.  I was trembling and shaking so bad, the examiner stopped the test.  They were "kind" enough to reschedule the fMRI ...

The Dark Days hit like a sledge hammer.  After an initial diagnosis, and a rude introduction to claustrophobia, which became my Achilles heel.  The seizure opened my/our eyes to a whole new world.  During the seizure, the fall was "just right."  There was a posterior dislocation, which destroyed all of the ligaments, as well as fractured the head of the humorous.  During the CT scan at the hospital a mass was identified. I soon learned that "mass," is the friendly, less terrifying and threatening way of saying tumor, which in turn is also the easier way of saying the dreaded "C" word, CANCER.  The sledge hammer effect was becoming a reality.  I would need to have shoulder surgery and have everything repaired prior to dealing with the tumor. I was transferred to Utah Valley Hospital for further observation and testing.  This became MRI part 1 of this nightmare.  "This is the biggest tube in the state!"  They bragged.  After ten ...

May 21, 2019, a day that will go down in infamy.  What was supposed to be the official start of a new life at a new job, until it happened.  All at once a wave of vertigo attacked my vision, and the world began to spin.  I tried to reach out to stabilize myself and grab hold of something, but my right hand had other ideas.  It curled up into a ball and would not move.  I tried with all I could to reach out, but then noticed the entire right side of my body wouldn't respond.  As I made one last desperate attempt to grab hold of anything, all I could say was, "Oh no," as I collapsed to the floor.  The next thing I remember is waking up as I was being lifted onto a stretcher and moved to an ambulance. The stories and experiences that follow are all true.   I share them, not to boast of myself, or my own strength, rather in hopes of providing strength and support to anyone in need of a hand to reach out. We all have our own mountains to climb,...