The New Normal

One of the most bitter things i've had to face and swallow, (crow tastes terrible), is not being able to just get up and get moving.  I have never been more frustrated, than having to "re-learn," basic, simple, even easy tasks.  The first two weeks of appointments with my occupational therapist were spent trying to learn to get dressed, brush my teeth and perform daily tasks, including much to my embarrassment and at this point absolutely zero pride, shower and use the bathroom. 

The first two weeks it would take over two hours, and that was just to get dressed.  My therapist was always "excited," how well I was doing.  But inside it was killing me.  I shouldn't be completely exhausted, and struggling so much just to get my pants on, or completely tie myself into a knot putting a shirt on.  

This was extra frustrating, because my OT was also responsible for my shoulder rehabilitation, and wasting one full session and apart of the second each day about killed me.  I found my daily schedule each evening online, and would wake up two hours earlier, just to get dressed and be ready for therapy.  Not that it was difficult getting up, since the nurses were in my room for medications or shift change extra early, I was never really able to back to sleep anyway.  

After two additional weeks of getting up and fighting the clothes battle, I began to beat my therapist  getting ready before my scheduled appointment.  I was able to spend both sessions focused on rehab instead of ADLs (Activities of Daily Living).  My therapist would always ask how my ADLs were going, my answer was always the same.  "It doesn't matter, I'll figure it out."  She never did have a come back for that.

To this day, six months later, this continues to be about the worst part of each day.  A full body, exhausting workout, that takes over an hour, and need a nap afterward, instead of the 12-20 minutes I was accustomed.  There continues to be days that I have to pester my poor wife for assistance buttoning my pants or shirt.

I started to become grateful, and identify tender mercies in the littlest of things.  Little victories in things that we take for granted everyday.  These little wins translated into huge victories, once I was able to start seeing the exponential strides these were becoming.  The most difficult was/is, "THIS IS THE NEW NORMAL."  It doesn't matter that the morning of surgery, life was status quo.  This is life now, what is today's normal going to be?

I was again blessed with a vivid memory of a conversation I had with my mom.  We were re-telling the story of a mother who had a son serving in the mission field, and another son who was killed in an accident.  When the mother called her missionary son to tell him his counsel and advice to his loving mom really stuck with me.  After tears were shed, the young missionary said to his grief stricken mother;
"Mom how are you going to act now, how are you going to handle this?  People are watching you and looking up to you, to see how you deal with this loss.  People are always watching you."

That comment hit me like a brick, and each day I have to remind myself, "people are watching you, how are they going to see you handle pain and struggles."
My answer each day, tender mercies and small miracles.